


Never Knew You Till You Were Gone

by SkyesRogers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, captain america: the winter soldier - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fluff, M/M, Post CATWS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-06 15:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4226286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyesRogers/pseuds/SkyesRogers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys! Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. Do leave a comment and help me improve on my writing. I look forward to seeing your suggestions! I know its supposed to be a Stucky/Buckynat fic but I'll get there soon. I'm currently trying to look into more of Bucky post Hydra, unsure of who he is and how to live outside of Hydra, living in a world where he knows no one but Natasha. So, well, scary world alone where he has to constantly watch his own back, his most trusted person someone he just met. I'm going a lot towards Hydra treating him completely like a weapon, totally wiping out everything except the mission, hence he doesn't even remember how to do basic things like eating or showering because he never had to do that while under Hydra control.</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Day 01 Out of Hydra

_I'm with you till the end of the line_

Who is he? His last words repeated continuously in my head as I watched him fall, faster and faster before he hit the water and went under.

_He is my mission! **YOU ARE MY MISSION!**_

My head hurt as flashes of his face appeared in my mind. Flashes of him when he was younger, smiling at me. I dived down after him, the man I was supposed to kill. Hydra would kill me for this. I was already considered unstable from the previous failed mission. This was my chance to redeem myself and I was going to screw it up by saving someone who I didn't know. But that someone seemed to know me.

I hit the water hard, diving down and grabbing the man who had gone limp under water. Pulling him up with one arm, I resurfaced and dragged him on to the shore. Once I was certain that he was back on dry land, I left him, weaving through the forests and climbing up a tree. The vantage point gave me full view of the man, the man who refused to fight me, the man who surrendered himself to me so that I could finish my mission. He was still unconscious and I watched over him, hidden from view.

My eyes grew heavy, a sensation new to me and I struggled to keep them open. The sound of a boat's engine jolted my eyes back open and I saw a man and two women carry the still unconscious man into a boat that had stopped near the shore. I moved slightly from my position, but tiredness left my limbs less agile and I accidentally made some leaves rustle softly. I froze in my spot, afraid that they would find me. I wasn't sure if they were Hydra or SHIELD but I was sure that I did not want to land in either of their hands at this point. The red headed woman said something to the dark haired one and the latter nodded a sharp nod, getting into the boat with the two men and leaving the red head behind.

She waded through the shallow waters and back on to the shore, glancing around as if looking for something or someone. And then she left, going deeper into the forest. I released a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. Maybe she wasn't looking for me after all. When she had gone out of sight, I climbed down from the tree and started to move again. It wasn't a good idea to stay in one position for too long. Every soldier knew that.

 

Day 02 Out of Hydra

The flashbacks came hard and strong. They hurt so bad, almost as badly as the memory wipes they had subjected me to at the facility. The most recently wiped came first, the man on the bridge, calling me, calling me.

_Bucky?_

_Who the hell is Bucky?_

I shut my eyes tight, willing the memories to stop coming, to stop flooding my head so fast. My breathing quickened as I gripped my head with an intensity so strong, I was sure that it would either crack under the pressure of the returning memories or from my own hands. A movement in the foliage jolted me back out of my torment and I turned around quickly to see nothing but trees behind me.

A gnawing pain had settled in my stomach. That, coupled with parched lips, was new. I was unsure of how to handle this new sensation. Everything, every day under Hydra was so controlled, so precisely measured that I did not have to handle a situation like this before. Every day under Hydra was the same: I would get a new mission, I would complete that mission and I would return to the base before getting my arm repaired and being sent off into crypto-freeze. Life was so much easier that way. I ignored the sensations and willed them to go away. After a while, they did. But I felt like I was weakening by the hour.

I stumbled into a patch of dense foliage and blacked out.

 

Day 03 Out of Hydra

I spent the day drifting in and out of consciousness. I tried to will myself to get up, to get moving. But I had left Hydra's care for a little over three days now and my body was feeling the symptoms of not being under their medical care already. My missions usually lasted under 24 hours. Very rarely, they exceed 48 hours and even then I had to go to a different facility to undergo maintenance, to be restored to full power and health. Three days out of Hydra and I was feeling the toll of it. The faint pain in I stomach was back, getting stronger by the hour and I was trying my best to ignore it again.

A shadow passed by and startled me. I lifted my head lethargically, trying to see if it was a threat or not. But honestly, at this point I would not be able to completely fend off a threat of it was large enough. Win myself a few hours, maybe, but not escape. Especially not if it was Hydra. I tried my best to keep my eyes open, to stay alert. I heard noises all around me. Hallucinations had become more frequent, people calling Bucky, Bucky. Flashes of a man reaching for me, face twisted in anguish.

 

Day 05 Out of Hydra

The light was too bright, too painful when my eyes next opened. I was no longer in my own clothes, the new ones feeling like clouds against my painful, battered body. I tried to move my arms, finding that they were tied together, and that I was on a bed. I glanced at the clock next to the bed I was in, realizing that it was five days since my last mission, five days since my last failure. An assortment of different coloured liquids in glasses was next to me, together with a couple of spoons and a jug of water.

I turned as a door shut, seeing the red headed woman again. I struggled against the cloth that bound me, trying for the very small chance that I had to escape, and to run away from the torture I had assured myself of if I fell into the clutches of either Hydra or SHIELD.

"At ease, soldier," she said easily, sliding in to a chair I hadn't noticed by my bedside. "How are you feeling?" She reached out to touch my forehead.

"DON'T TOUCH ME," I yelled, trying to move unsuccessfully.

"You're still running a high fever," she muttered to herself. "At least you're awake. Do you want something to eat? You were very weak when I found you and went unconscious for a day."

"No." I gave up trying to move and followed her movement with her eyes. "What do you want from me?"

"It's okay. I mean you no harm. When we found Steve on the land, I was sure someone saved him but I couldn't leave to look for you earlier, being dragged to a trial on SHIELD's actions. The cloth is only meant to protect you from harming yourself. Even though you were unresponsive, you moved quite violently and I was afraid that you would hurt yourself. I can remove them if you want." She moved forward, untying my hands to show she was not a threat. I jerked away immediately, only to feel my vision swim before my eyes.

She lifted a glass of water and passed it to me. "Drink. You are severely dehydrated and running a high fever."

I cautiously took the glass from her and smelled it, confused as to what I was to do with it. I had no recollection of interacting with such an object. I looked back up to her with questioning eyes, to meet hers which reflected my own confusion.

"Oh. You don't know what you're supposed to do with it? Let me show you." She took the glass back over and drank a mouthful from it before passing it back to me. "Go on, you need the water."

I mimicked her action, choking on my first mouthful and ending up coughing violently. She quickly took the glass back and placed it on the table, patting my back gently. "Easy, soldier. Don't drink so quickly, you'll choke." She looked at me concerned. "Better now? Let's try it again, shall we?"

I nodded slowly. I didn't know why but the feeling of water in my mouth was so pleasant, so refreshing. I took it slowly this time, drinking the water a bit at a time. The woman nodded at me with approval.

"That's better, isn't it?" She asked. She picked up another glass with purple liquid. "Do you want to try this one? You haven't been awake to eat so I've been feeding you a liquid diet. You have to eat something sooner or later, but you need some energy first. It's grape juice. Try it, it's good."

I took the cup from her, scrunching my nose at the unfamiliar smell. As I drank from the cup, she started to talk again.

"I almost forgot. Introductions. I'm Natasha Romanoff. I work for SHIELD, well, at least when it used to be SHIELD. There is no more SHIELD." She looked away for a while before continuing.

"You know, we met before. Our meeting didn't end well." She lifted her shirt to show a scar.

I looked at her for a second, confused because I had no recollection of that incident. Then again, I was an assassin under Hydra so it was definitely a possibility.

I cleared my throat. "I... I'm sorry." I tried, the words coming out more as a question than an apology. It probably wouldn't have sat well if I told her right away that I did not remember, especially now that I was in her power, weakened and without a gun.

She shook her head. "That was years ago. It's okay. I know it wasn't your choice to make." She smiled back at me. "Lets get you some food now, shall we?" She stood up, waiting for me to do the same.

I tried to sit up but my head spun and hurt badly. I lay back down, closing my eyes tightly and shaking my head gently. I felt her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it soothingly.

"It's okay. I'm sorry, I forgot you were still running a fever. I'll be right back, wait for me and don't try to move. I don't want you hurting yourself." She left the room, leaving the door open. For some reason, I had come to trust her in the short time we had spoken. Maybe it was because I was forced to, being given no alternative in my condition, but I did nonetheless.

Natasha came back shortly with a bowl of something white. “It's called porridge, soft rice and a bit of meat.” She said. “May said it was good for the stomach. Light enough to be easily digested.” She scooped up a spoonful, blowing it lightly to cool it down and testing the temperature before offering it to me. I accepted the mouthful of what she had called porridge, feeling the texture that was so alien in my mouth before swallowing it. In this way, I slowly went through the whole bowl of porridge, feeling slightly bloated at the end of it but contented nonetheless.  
After I had finished eating, Natasha pulled her chair back and was about to leave again when I grabbed on to her hand. “Where are you going? Don’t leave me. I don’t want them to get me.”

“Who? SHIELD? Hydra? None of them will be trying to capture you at this point don’t worry. SHIELD is being shut down. Hydra infiltrated it without us noticing and at this moment Hydra isn’t too strong either, short of manpower after the last attack.” She smiled a grim smile. “I’m just going to get some stuff from the pharmacy. It’s okay nobody knows you’re here, no one but me of course. I’ll be back soon. Take a nap while I’m gone, you need the rest.” Natasha brushed my hair off where it was dangling in the middle of my face to the side before leaving the room again.

I tried to rest, I really did. The dreams came swift after that, however. I was thrown into nightmare after nightmare, repeats of the one that I had had frequently for the past few days. The one where I was falling fast, the one where the man on the bridge looked down at me fall, screaming. I was too paralyzed by shock to even feel fear or react to the fall. The next thing I know, I’m lying in the snow, aching from the fall. The next part comes in flashes. I’m in a laboratory being experimented on. I thought I could still feel the agonizing pain of them, the electric shocks, the serum injections, the amputation of my arm to replace it with the metal one I now had. I gasped from the pain of the hallucination, writhing out and trying to make it stop.

**_MAKE IT STOP._ **

Suddenly, a hand touches my arm and I hit out against it. Natasha dodges the blow easily enough but her face shows emotions I do not fully comprehend. A mix of confusion and concern, I suppose. She holds a white bag in her hand, full of small boxes and a small brown notebook.

“Are you okay?” She asked gently.

I nodded a quick response, concentrating on breathing slowly to regulate my heartbeat. Natasha accepts the reply, not bothering to probe further. I think it was out of courtesy that she did not question me afterwards. She put her hand on my forehead again and frowned.

“I’ll be right back. Just going to grab something from the kitchen.” She left quickly before returning with a towel and ice.

She poured me another glass of water, making me finish it with a small pill before setting the towel wrapped around ice on my forehead. I squirmed under the cold touch, shivering and reaching out a hand to pull the blankets around me before feeling my hand being stopped by another.

“Don’t. Your body is over heating. I think you might have caught a cold from your wet clothes while you were hiding but I’m no doctor so I can’t give an accurate diagnosis.” Her phone rang, cutting her talk about what was happening to me short and distracting her. I pulled the blanket up by a bit, hoping that she would not notice and taking a slight comfort from the little warmth it provided.

"Hey Sam. Oh Cap's awake? How's he? I'll go over later on. I have some stuff on my hands right now." She said into the phone.

Cap? I vaguely recall her calling the man in the blue and white costume that. But didn't she also call him Steve earlier? My head hurts. I don't want to think anymore.

As soon as Natasha put down the phone, I spoke up. “Who’s Cap?” I asked, wanting at least one of my many questions answered.

She looked up, confusion registering on her face for a moment before realising what I had asked. “Oh right, amnesia. Sorry I forgot for a moment. Cap is Captain Steven Grant Rogers, or Captain America. He was one of your best friends during the war. He was the one you pulled out of the water. Thank you for that.” She smiled at me.

Why did she thank me for that? I was the one who almost got him killed in the first place. He was my mission. I cleared my heads of thought for a moment and spoke up again. “Oh. Okay. Who’s Bucky then?”

“You heard Cap call you that, didn’t you? Bucky Barnes, or James Buchanan Barnes is your name, before you became the Winter Soldier. You were part of the 107th as well as the Howling Commandos, a team of soldiers hand picked by the good captain to fight alongside him in the war.” Natasha smiled again, albeit a tight smile this time.

“I believe Steve would be best suited to tell you more. I’ll have you two catch up after you both recover and maybe take a trip down memory lane in the Smithsonian museum. If that’s all, I think I should go check on Cap too. You okay alone? I’ve got a notebook and pencils here if you draw like Cap does. You should rest more though.” Natasha passed me the notebook and pencils before standing up.

“Do you want me to tell Cap that you’re here? He would be very pleased to see you again.” She asked.

I considered her question for a moment before slowly shaking my head. “No. Not yet please. I still need time to gather my thoughts. Will you be back soon?”

“I’ll be back before you know it, don’t worry.” Natasha replied before leaving the room.


	2. Chapter 2

The staccato click of her heels on the tiled floor was deafening in the silence of the SHIELD private hospital. She hurried her way towards the ward Steve was resting in, passing by the busy staff and a room full of agents who had been more seriously injured by the fight that happened less than a week ago. Rounding the corner, she reached the room and knocked twice before entering.

Sam smiled up at her as she walked in. "A little slow aren't ya?"

She grinned back at him. "Only a little. Had to take care of some... Matters."

Sitting down in the chair on the other side of the hospital bed, she turned to Steve. "Hey Cap, feeling better?" 

"Better than ever. When can I be discharged?" He replied, obviously anxious to get out.

"Not so soon. You still have many broken bones. Your jawbone is practically shattered and you are suffering from some internal bleeding. You might be here for a while." Sam answered. "Why? Are you rushing for something?"

Steve shook his head. "No, not really. I just don't really like being in a hospital and..."

He trailed off mid-sentance, the unspoken words ringing as though said. He was concerned about Bucky and wanted to find him as soon as possible. It showed through his actions as clear as day, the way he looked away as he trailed off, as if unsure of whether he should go after the Winter Soldier or not. After all, it didn't seem like Bucky knew him anymore. Maybe all he had left was memories of them, of their childhood and out in the field.

She almost told him not to worry, that Bucky was safe, but she had made a promise to Bucky. Besides, if she had said anything, Steve would have insisted on leaving the hospital to see Bucky. He probably would have wanted to take care of Bucky himself too, knowing him. Natasha bit her tongue, trying to keep herself from blurting out that Bucky was at home, seeing how anxious Steve was about him. Bucky was the only friend he still had from before the war besides Peggy. He definitely held a place dear in Steve's heart. She zoned out for a moment, staring at the hospital wall in front of her, wondering when the best time to break the news would be.

"Natasha. Earth to Natasha."

"Huh?" She looked at Steve, stunned.

"I said, would you like to go grab a bite with Sam? He's been here since I awoke and refused to budge ever since."

"I told you that I'm not leaving you here alone." Steve raised an eyebrow at that reply.

"Fine. I'll go get a sandwich. Nat you stay here with Cap and make sure he doesn't move, alright?" Sam finally left the room and Steve rolled his eyes at him.

"Penny for your thoughts, Miss? What caused you to zone out? It's not like you to be so engrossed in thought that you don't realise what's happening around you." Steve asked once Sam had gone.

"Oh, uh, nothing much. It's a surprise. I think I'll be able to tell you soon." She flashed him a smile.

Steve scrutinised her face. She hoped that he wouldn't see through her or ask her any more questions. Even though she was trained for this, to keep her face blank and unreadable, she still worried that her face might betray any information. Steve shrugged and looked away. Natasha released a breath she wasn't aware she had been holding, relieved that she got past his usually accurate deductions of others' thoughts. Sam arrived back in the room soon enough, munching on a sandwich while holding a cup of coffee in his other hand. 

"I'm back. Hey Nat, how was the trial, by the way?"

"Trial? What trial?" Steve frowned.

"Oh, its nothing. If you recall, SHIELD had been compromised before you battled the Winter Soldier and went crashing into the river. The government just needs a scapegoat to pin everything on again, that's why they're putting the rest of us living SHIELD agents on trial and I represented us. Anyway, I'm alive so it went well, I guess." She shrugged, like it was nothing.

"Nat, you sure? Tell me if there's anything I can do, okay?"

"Is Captain America offering to pull strings for SHIELD? That's a first." Natasha smirked.

Steve rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, yeah don't make me regret I said anything."

Natasha glanced at the clock. 

"Well, if that is all, Cap do you mind if I... uh... I have something on. So sorry."

"Yeah sure Nat. It's fine. Go." Steve smiled at me gently.

"See you both then. I'll come back tomorrow." She ruffled Steve's hair with a hand and left the room.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The whispers came not long after she left.

 _You can run, but you can't hide forever. We're coming for you._ The words laughed, taunting him.

His eyes darted towards the wall, jumping at every shadow cast by the setting sun, at every sound the wind made as it blew through the curtains. 

 _They're not here. They won't find me. I'm safe here._ He chanted over and over in his head, trying to convince himself of that. 

Something made as sound as it darted past. _Have they found me again?_

His heart hammered in his chest as visions of torture flashed through his mind again. They were strong. If they found him again, he would be dead. Even with his returning strength, the fast recovery a result of Natasha's food and medicine coupled with the super soldier serum injected in him years ago, he was no match for them. Especially not now, not when he still wasn't at full capacity. Not now with no weapons besides his bare hands, with no backup but the wind on his back.

His muscles tensed as his ears registered a faint click of a door opening. He moved quickly, silently towards the door, listening to the sound of heels on the parquet floor grow louder. He kept his vulnerable side towards the door, metal arm ready to ambush before he was attacked. It had been damaged in the fight and was still not as strong as it was before but he had no other options.

His arm immediately made contact with soft flesh the moment his room's door swung open, lifting the figure effortlessly by the neck and pinning her against the wall, off the ground. The figure made a strangled noise as she dropped the bag she was holding to the floor, glaring at him with emerald green eyes before the common sense in his head kicked back in, reminding him of whose home he was in. He lowered her back down, eyes flashing with horror and regret in an instant as his stumbled back, away from her and into a corner, not meeting her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please let me stay. They'll find me. They'll kill me." He had curled into a ball, arms over his head and looking very vulnerable.

Her eyes sparked curiosity, softening from the glare she had sent him earlier. She had thought him ungrateful, attacking her after she saved his life. She had thought that she had misread him and his intentions. But seeing him like this, going from maniac killer to frightened puppy in a matter of seconds, he looked more scared and lost than anything.

He let out as small whine as he heard her footsteps approach, an unfamiliar warm feeling flooding over him. She sighed as she made sure not to step on the affected area, reaching out to place her hand gently on his shoulder. He flinched instinctively at the touch, curling into himself even more tightly.

"It's okay. It's okay. Don't be scared. No one is coming." She took his hand in hers, crouching down and trying to look at him in his face while he avoided looking at her.

"Come, let's get you cleaned up again shall we?" She waited for his small nod before rising to her feet and pulling him up with her. 

Natasha took out a set of clothes from the bag that was lying where it fell, handing it to him and pushing him into the bathroom. "You know what to do?"

He nodded hesitantly as he watched her turn the shower on, testing the temperature with her hand.

"I'll just be out here. Call me if you need me, okay?" She stepped out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

"Well, that's gonna leave a mark." She shook her head, observing the puddle on the wooden floor before going to the kitchen to grab a mop.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later, she was long done, watching the television on the bed. He still wasn't out yet, the sound of running water still sounding from the bathroom. Natasha knocked the bathroom door, concerned.

"Hey, you alright in there?" She asked from outside the door. 

When there was no reply, she knocked again. "I'm coming in if you don't answer."

There was a small noise from the other side, as if he was unsure of how he was supposed to answer to that. Natasha opened the door slowly to find a fully clothed Bucky standing under running water. As was the case with the food and water, the soap was left untouched, Bucky clearly confused as to it's purpose again. Did Hydra really not even teach him how to take a bath? Taking care of Bucky was like taking care of a child, albeit a very dangerous one. She carefully leaned around him, turning the shower off while trying not to get wet. 

"Hold on one second." She left again to change into shorts, coming back with a stool.

"Sit down in front of me and raise your arms." Bucky obeyed immediately, allowing Natasha to pull the wet shirt over his head. 

With precise fingers, she shampooed his hair, washing days of filth off what she hadn't been able to properly clean while he was unconscious. Telling him to close his eyes, she rinsed his hair, careful to keep as much water and soap away from his eyes as possible. 

"Done. Now, about that." Natasha pointed to Bucky's pants. "I mean, I've seen enough to last a lifetime, heck Clint runs around buck naked half the time. It's just I don't want you to feel awkward. Water is good enough for now if you want."

Bucky blinked back at her before pulling his pants off himself. "Like this?" 

Natasha nodded, motioning for him to stretch his hands out and pouring soap into them. "Rub this over yourself and then wash it off with water. No don't put it on your face! Careful, it stings the eyes."

When he was done, she turned the water off again, passing him a towel to dry off. Natasha left the bathroom, leaving Bucky to change into his clothes.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sky had darkened when he finally emerged again, finally properly clean. Natasha had bought takeaway fried rice earlier for dinner and was eating the already cold food, beckoning him over to join her at the small desk she sat at. 

"Come eat. You must be hungry. Sorry I didn't get back earlier." She said, between mouthfuls. "It's really good, even if it is cold by now."

Bucky put a mouthful of the strange food into his mouth, half choking in the process of swallowing, trying to eat the rice whole.

"Oh my god. Okay listen, when we eat, we chew okay? Don't swallow food whole. Do this." Natasha made a chewing motion with her mouth, which Bucky imitated.

"Good. It doesn't matter what we're eating, if its not liquid you have to chew it understood?" Bucky nodded a reply.

"You don't talk much do you? What do you want me to call you? Bucky? James? Or another name?" Natasha asked, finally getting round to asking the question.

Bucky considered for a minute, before replying quietly, "The man on the bridge called me Bucky."

"So Bucky then?"

He shook his head. "That's not my name. I don't remember. You said my name was James Buchanan Barnes."

Bucky looked up at her. "How does James sound?"

Natasha nodded as she finished up her food. "James it is then. Lets get some rest now, shall we?"

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The night that followed was a very restless one. Natasha woke up to the sound of whimpering, of begging and immediately went to Bucky's room, careful not to make a sound. She listened at the door, making sure she was armed before opening the door, prepared to face a threat should it be present.

What she wasn't prepared for, however, was opening the door to find Bucky alone in the room, asleep but thrashing in the bed. She was at his bedside in an instant, reaching out to him and trying to wake him up from his nightmare.

The way he flinched away from the touch instinctively, curling further into himself, made her heart break. What would Steve say if he saw this? The Winter Soldier, the ghost assassin who killed so many people, Bucky Barnes, the soldier who fought alongside Captain America, who protected Steve with his life, the fearless man and soldier reduced to nothing more than a scared, helpless child.

She shook his arm gently, bringing him out of his nightmare.

He looked up at her with haunted eyes.

"It's okay. You're here now. You're safe with me."

Bucky swallowed hard, nodding slightly. Natasha turned around, preparing to return to her room, when Bucky caught her arm in his hand.

"Can you... Will you stay?" He asked in a small voice.

Natasha glanced at him again before nodding, pulling the chair over from the desk and sitting down at his bedside. Bucky's anxious grasp never let up, but he let Natasha loosen it slightly, shifting her hand to hold his and squeezing it gently.

"I'm here. Go to sleep now, it's okay. Nobody's going to hurt you."

Bucky's breathing evened out eventually as he fell asleep. Natasha looked at his sleeping form, running her free hand through his hair. 

"Oh Bucky, whatever have they done to you?"

Slowly, she, too, drifted into sleep, one hand gripped tightly by Bucky and the other a makeshift pillow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. Do leave a comment and help me improve on my writing. I look forward to seeing your suggestions! I know its supposed to be a Stucky/Buckynat fic but I'll get there soon. I'm currently trying to look into more of Bucky post Hydra, unsure of who he is and how to live outside of Hydra, living in a world where he knows no one but Natasha. So, well, scary world alone where he has to constantly watch his own back, his most trusted person someone he just met. I'm going a lot towards Hydra treating him completely like a weapon, totally wiping out everything except the mission, hence he doesn't even remember how to do basic things like eating or showering because he never had to do that while under Hydra control.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's getting some of his memories back! I know, finally! Okay so basically the summary is that he goes to see Steve for the first time since they last fought, to get answers about his past and learn about Steve again.

Day 05 Out of Hydra

I wish I was back in cryo-freeze. The nightmares never reached me there. But then again, Hydra always was the nightmare.

They would come every time I fell asleep, as if they were inseparable. It all seemed so real, even if the sensible side of me kept telling me that it was all in my mind. The pain, the way they would punish me whenever I did something they did not like, it was all so real. Except for the first time, this time I had a salvation.

I woke up to Natasha gently shaking my arm, telling me that I was safe, that no one would reach me here. My mind still haunted by my thoughts automatically associated her with the mission, as a threat, but her actions and words were slowly rewriting that file which was burned deep inside my brain. I almost wished I could believe her words. They always came, sooner or later, but it was nice to pretend that I had protection for once in my life.

For some reason, I felt comfort in her presence. For some reason, I felt safe for the first time in forever. 

 

Day 06 Out of Hydra

I woke up still holding on to her hand. My mind did not register the night's happenings right away and I wondered why I was gripping Natasha's hand so tightly. I must have moved a bit too much because the next thing I know, she's looking at me with sleepy eyes.

"Good morning, James." She smiles tiredly. "Did you sleep well?"

Now that she mentioned it, the night came back to me and I remembered her waking me up. I also remembered finally going to sleep for once without the dreams coming.

I nod in reply to her question. "Sorry."

"For what?" Natasha looks at me confused.

"For waking you up and making you stay." 

"Nah, it's okay. If you slept well after that, its worth it. Shall we talk over breakfast? I'm starving." She got up from her chair and stretched before turning to me.

Taking the cue, I follow her into the kitchen.

Natasha poured two glasses out of a box labelled "orange juice" and passed me some soft white squares which she spread something pink on. Pulling out a chair, she beckoned me over to sit, placing a glass of that orange juice on the table.

A memory flashed through my mind, but this time it wasn't one of torture.

_A bright morning. The air smelled sweet, of something I couldn't put a name to. Pancakes? What are pancakes? I am in a bedroom, gently shaking the arm of a sleeping form._

_"Wake up, Stevie. I made pancakes." I say, smiling at him like he is the best thing in the world._

_He groans and turns over to look at me sleepily._

_"Five more minutes." He mumbles, half sitting to reach out, grabbing my neck and trying to pull me down._

_Laughing, I let him have his way, even though I could easily resist his tiny form's strength._

_"Only five minutes. The food is getting cold." He nods with his head nestled in my shoulder, arms wrapped tightly around my neck._

_I wrap my arms around his waist, kissing the top of his head and trying to etch this memory into my mind forever. I was shipping out to England today. If I would make it out alive was something I did not know and I wanted to at least have a last sweet memory before I left._

_"Come on Steve, wake up. I need to go soon. Don't make me tickle you."_

_"You wouldn't tickle me." He looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes. "Do you really have to go?"_

_"Sorry sweetheart. Duty calls. Now get up before I pick you up." His only response is to reach out again and I sigh, shaking my head as I pick him up bridal style and carry him into the kitchen for breakfast._

My head hurts. I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"James, are you okay?" She asks, concerned.

I nod, and when the pain subsides, I look up at her. "Who is Steve and who was he to me?"

"He said you were his best friend, but I think if you need more answers, you'll have to ask him yourself." She replies, sipping orange juice from her glass. 

"Can I.. Can I go see him? Will he still want to see me? I hurt him pretty bad..." I trail off, unsure if my request was out of line.

"Sure. You seem to be much better than yesterday and I think he's healing up pretty fast there too. Don't worry about it, he's worried sick about you and wanted to look for you, except for the fact that he isn't allowed out of the hospital. Why don't we finish up and go see him today?" 

"And about my arm..."

"Got that covered. I went shopping for jackets yesterday and found a nice black hoodie for you. Maybe you should keep your left hand in your pocket though."

She finished her breakfast before pulling me up. "Let's go get some memories back, shall we?"

Natasha pulled the jacket and a white shirt out of the closet, picking out a pair of jeans before passing them to me. "Sorry, I didn't really know what to get you. We can go grab more clothes later. Oh yes, and shaving cream. You're getting prickly." 

She laughs as I feel the hairs growing on my chin and I smile. Her laugh is beautiful. I wish I could hear it forever.

"Okay go get changed and meet me in the kitchen when you're done." She smiled back at me before leaving the room.

Ten minutes later, we leave the house, the first time in two days for me. My hood is pulled up and my shoes feel funny as we step out into the too bright sunlight. Natasha has her arm on mine, figuring that it would look less suspicious if I pretended that I was her boyfriend. I didn't mind at all.

The smell of anaesthetic hits my nose before we stepped into the hospital. Everything is so white and bright and I feel slightly out of place in my black hood. Natasha leads me down the corridor, passing by people who glance our way before deciding that we're not interesting enough for their attention. Thank god for that, maybe we wouldn't be found out after all. 

 We rounded the corner, walking into ward 6, where the bird man was already sitting. They looked up at us as we walked in, and the bird man starts talking first.

"Hi Nat. Who's that with you?"

"Oh, its my boyfriend, James. He wanted to know how Cap was doing." She gave them a look which I could not decipher.

"Since when did you have a boyfriend?" Steve asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Since he came along. I don't have a boring love life like you do. James?" She called me over from the door from where she was seated at the bed. 

I closed the ward's door behind me and went over to her side.

"Hi, Steve." I said in a small voice.

The reactions I got were on two different spectrums. The bird guy immediately tensed up, hand shifting ready to pull out a gun if he had to. Steve's eyes grew big with shock and his smile was so bright, it might as well have lit the whole room.

"Bucky?" He askes softly, a note of question in his voice. 

"My name is James." I say softly, looking away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Natasha glare at the bird man until he shifts his hand away from his gun, relaxing a little as he rolled his eyes.

"James, this is Sam. You met him the other day, remember?" She says, giving the bird man another look and prompting him to extend a hand.

"Hi James." He reached out a hand over Steve towards me. I flinch a bit, not taking the hand and feel Natasha take my right hand in mine and placing it in bird man's - I mean Sam's - hand.

"James, this is a handshake. We do this when we meet new people." Natasha says as Sam breaks his grip from mine after a second.

I see Steve's face darken before he speaks in a low voice. "What exactly have they done to him? He doesn't even know how to shake someone's hand?"

"They merely erased everything that doesn't have to do with attack and defence or conditioning not to attack his handler, I guess. It was worse yesterday, he didn't even know how to drink. I think they must have put him on a nutrition drip back there." Natasha replies.

Steve's hand grips the sheets on the bed until his knuckles turn white. I tense up a bit, as Natasha places her hand on Steve's shoulder, telling him to calm down.

"What's done has been done." She says. "All we can do now is help him get better and we're going to do that together. James, why don't you ask the good Captain here what you want to know?"

I look at Steve, meeting his eyes for the first time since our last fight. "A memory came back to me this morning. You were in it. Who was I to you?"

Steve's expression becomes sad instantly. "You don't remember anything? Why James? I've known you as Bucky for as long as I can remember."

"I don't remember Bucky. I don't remember anyone, how I was like before I became..." I couldn't finish the sentence. 

Here I was, in a room where I had fought everyone barely a week ago as The Winter Soldier. I didn't want to be The Winter Soldier. They forced me to. And yet, here I had to shoulder the blame for everything I was not. I don't know how long I was working under their control, but every time when I questioned my actions, they simply told me that it was for the good of mankind. They said my work was a gift to humanity and I believed them. I had no choice. If I refused, they would make me do it anyway, and convince me in ways I feared being put through again.

"You said my name was James Buchanan Barnes. So did Natasha. I don't remember Bucky and I don't want to be The Winter Soldier. Please let me be James again."

"Okay." Steve took a deep breath before continuing. "Where shall we start?"

"From the beginning."

"We met as children. I was getting myself in trouble again, as usual, and was about to get beaten up by a bunch of bigger kids when you intervened, telling them to leave me alone. We ended up getting into a fight with them, that was inevitable, and we won because of you. Man, you could fight." Steve shook his head, smiling at the memory.

"We became best friends after that. I never understood why you would stand up for me like that, protecting me. Your sister, Rebecca, always said you were always too busy taking care of others to take care of yourself. I guess that's why then, you always stick up for the poor little kid without thinking about the consequences to yourself. As we grew up, I found myself falling in love with you but I never mentioned it until much later."

"Our parents, they all died during the war. Mine were caught in a bombing. Your dad was a soldier, he went down fighting. Your mom died a while later, probably the effect of her already being ill to begin with coupled with the grief that the army's letter brought. Rebecca already had a family of her own. We only had each other left. I was never the healthiest kid on the block and after my parents died, you made me shift in with you so that you could take care of me. I think it was sometime between then and when you first enlisted when I first told you I loved you. I was having a fever then and I think you didn't believe me when I said it because you made me repeat my words later on when I was well again and more lucid. I was sure of my words when I first said them though." 

_Steve's tiny form was covered in mountains of blankets, his skin so pale it almost looked like part of the white bedspread. I was standing up, leaving to get a glass of water for him when I heard his voice coming softly from the bed._

_"Bucky?"_

_I turned around to look at him. "Hmm?"_

_"Bucky, I love you."_

I clutched my head again in pain. Why did it have to be so painful when my memories returned?

I heard a movement and looked up to find Sam holding down an agitated looking Steve, Natasha reassuring him that I was alright.

"I'm okay, Steve. It's just, when the memories come back... It hurts. Please carry on." I said, when the pain subsided.

"Are you sure? We can continue another day."

"Please Steve."

"Okay. When I got better again and told you I loved you, you hugged me and told me that you loved me too. I think that was the best day of my life. It was still a social taboo, though and nobody else knew. Outside, you were the popular kid, girls would throw themselves at you, even more so when you became a soldier. I was always the troublemaker, getting beaten up every other day except when you were there to rescue me. You always scolded me for getting into fights but when it came down to it, you would always fight back against them for me. So, well, to answer your question, you were my boyfriend, but also my best friend and my protector"

One flashback came after another.

_I was walking past an alley towards the cinema, where I had arranged to meet Steve for a movie. I heard a scuffle in the alleyway and Steve's voice, following it down to see Steve being pushed around by a bigger man._

_"Hey. Pick on someone your own size." I pulled him back, away from Steve and punched him in the face as he swung back to hit me, kicking his ass as he ran away, out of the alley._

_"Sometimes, I think you like getting punched." I walked over to Steve._

_"I had him on the ropes." He replies, getting up slowly._

_"How many times is this?" I picked up an enlistment form lying on the ground._

_"You know, Its illegal to lie on your enlistment form. Seriously, Jersey?"  
_

_"You get your orders?"_

_"107th. Sergeant James Barnes, shipping out for England first thing tomorrow."_

_"I should be going." He says, brushing his sleeves._

_"Come on. My last night. Gotta get you cleaned up."  
_

_"Why? Where're we going?"_

_"The Future."_

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the headache that came with the memories before another came.

_"Don't do anything stupid until I get back."_

_"How can I? You've taken all the stupid with you."_

_"Come're, punk." I pulled him into an embrace._

_"Jerk." He hugged me back._

_"Don't win the war until I get there." He calls as I walk away._

_I turn around to salute him before leaving._

"Why?" I asked after the pain that came with the flashback subsided.

"Why what?" Steve asked, confused.

"Why were you so eager to join the war?"

"I didn't want to leave your side. You were all I had left. Besides, why should I give any less than everyone else? Our men were dying in the war, was I to stay behind and watch? My father was a military man. Even though he didn't say it out loud, he always wanted me to follow in his footsteps. The way he was killed even before he had the chance to fight made me all the more sure that I wanted to fight for our country as well. To win the war and complete his final wish." Steve smiled sadly at me.

"I... I don't feel well. My head hurts. Natasha can we...?"

She nods, standing up before leaning over to whisper something into Steve's ear. 

"We'll come back again tomorrow." She says as she straightened up. "Sam, be a dear and make sure Steve doesn't do anything stupid."

"How can I? You've taken all the stupid with you."

A small smile crossed my face, as the Steve in my memory had just said those exact same words. "Bye, Steve. See you tomorrow."


	5. Chapter 5

Day 06 Out of Hydra

 

We left the hospital shortly after saying our goodbyes. My head hurt badly and I felt like I would faint from the pain.

"James, are you alright?" Natasha asked, concern crossing her face.

I shook my head. "I'm fine."

"Does your head still hurt? If it gets too bad, you need to tell me, alright? I'm no doctor but we can always get Tony's doctor or Bruce to check on you if you need. Don't keep it to yourself, promise?"

"Yes ma'am."

She punches me lightly in the arm. "Keep that up and I'm kicking you out to the Army. I'm sure Rhodey would welcome you."

I frown slightly, unsure if she was joking or perfectly serious.

Natasha laughs at my expression, her eyes dancing. "I'm kidding. Come on. Let's get you some aspirin and a nap. Go take a shower, fresh clothes are in the cupboard. Just leave these in the bathroom. I'll clear them later."

I follow as she says, emerging from the bathroom a while later. I see her sitting on the bed in a cross legged position, smelling of lavender and reading a book. She looks up as I walk towards her, holding out two tablets and a glass of water. I take them from her, swallowing the bitter tablets down with water. She takes the towel from around my shoulders, towelling my hair dry and chiding me for not drying it out myself. If you don't learn how to dry your hair, she says, then I'm going to cut it off. I couldn't be less concerned with the length of my hair but the way she dried my hair so carefully made me feel warm inside.

"Will you stay with me?" I ask her softly as she dried my hair.

"Hmm?" 

"I... I sleep better with you around. Could you...?"

"Oh. Uh, sure, why not? Why don't you come over to my room then?"

Natasha gets up from the bed, prompting me to follow as we walk down the corridor to her room. Her room is painted a soft purple and had a soothing atmosphere that was enhanced by the music she put on once she went in.

"I used to do ballet once. I always felt classical music was soothing to the mind and body. Maybe it'll help you like it helped me."

 I slide down on the bed beside her, reaching for her hand like a needy child. She slips her hand in mine, giving it a comforting squeeze as she continued reading with her one free hand, book nestled in her lap. I close my eyes, expecting Hydra to be back there in my mind, but those dreams don't come. 

_The music is haunting, somehow familiar though I do not know why._

_A room. Rows of young girls, all dancing ballet with the same precise movements. A girl stands out, one with scarlet hair redder than blood itself._

_"Natalia, you're up next." The girl takes quick, light steps up to her position and begins her dance._

_Her movements are beautiful, transiting as smoothly as water as she executed each move perfectly. The people in the room all watch her dance,_ _mesmerised by her as the she completed her routine and ended off with her final position as the music stopped._

_"Well done. You may leave for combat training now."_

_The girl bows to her instructor, picking up her bag before turning to face me. Natalia._

When I open my eyes, it is dark out. Natasha is beside me, her sleeping form peaceful. Her hand is still gripped tightly in my hands but she doesn't seem to mind. I move a little closer to her, pulling the sheets tightly around me as I drift back into sleep.

 

**Identity: ~~Natasha~~  Natalia Romanov**

**Status: ~~Target;~~ Protector; Handler;**

**Mission: Protect Natalia at all costs.**

 

 

Day 07 Out of Hydra

 

Daylight had long broken. The bed beside me is cold and I panic for a moment before my mind registers a smell wafting into the room.

Pancakes.

I follow the smell into the kitchen. Natasha is standing by the stove, a small stack of pancakes beside her.

"Good morning, James. I was going to let you sleep for a while more before waking you up for breakfast. How's your head?" Her smile is brilliant as always, lighting up the room.

"Doesn't hurt anymore. I dreamt of you last night."

"Oh? What was it about?"

"You were in a room full of girls dancing ballet. They spoke Russian, I think. They called you Natalia?" I frowned, trying to remember the dream.

Her face fell, her forehead creasing slightly.

"Oh. Anything else?"

I shook my head.

Natasha (Natalia?) sighed, muttering under her breath. "I hoped you wouldn't remember that part."

"Why not?"

"It was where I grew up. I... don't want to talk about it. Can we not talk about it now?" She turned around, facing away from me.

"Okay."

"You're okay with letting it go like that?"

"Yeah sure. You'll tell me when you're ready, won't you?"

"One day." She promised. "Not today, though."

She composed herself before turning to me. "Thank you for understanding, James. Do you want pancakes?"

I nod and take the plate she hands me, receiving the pancakes she places on them. 

"Natali-... Natasha?"

"Yes?"

"Could you teach me how to make pancakes? I can't remember how."

"Sure, it's easy. You just need to put the batter on to the plate and wait for it to cook before flipping it." She demonstrated the motion, making another perfectly round pancake.

I was just about to try making a pancake myself when there was a knock on the door, startling us both.

"Stay in the room. Don't come out until I say so." Natasha whispered, pulling me out of the kitchen and pushing me back into the room, closing the door before I could protest.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that I took so long to update the story! I had been having exams the past half a month or so and I didn't have time to update. Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter and I should be following up with the next chapter soon. (Working on it) xx


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